A Shadow Moment

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm chatty.  I like people, I'm curious about them, and I love to visit, as we say in the South.  I am very blessed in that I make friends easily.  I'm a really good listener.  And, if you want to talk about Oak Cliff, you better pack a lunch because we may be there all day.  I am an Oak Cliff Cheerleader and can talk Oak Cliff (especially restaurant!) gossip all day.

Today at work, probably every third person who came in, I knew.  Some were current friends, some were very new.  It was really fun for me.  I "visited" so much that I came home exhausted.

All sweetness and light, right?  All love and butterflies and ice cream. A perfect day.

So why, when 2 uniformed fire inspection officers entered the shop to inspect our fire extinguishers, did I lose my cool?  Not just lose my cool, but become rude and somewhat confrontational.  Irrational.  Verging on batshit crazy.

After I had embarrassed myself acting like a crazy woman, I needed to deal with it and figure out why I had been so rude to men who were just doing a benign job.  It wasn't too difficult to figure out.  I have had, all my life, a Problem With Authority.  Just regular hippie stuff - The Man Is Bad.

But, the real thing is that I have had a Big, Bad problem with the police.  Just about as bad as bad can get.  Really. Bad.  And, seeing men in Uniform, with my attitude about Authority and Police; well, the outcome wasn't pretty.

That's how "shadow," as Jung called it, can bite you.  Being mean to two perfectly innocent guys just because their appearance activated Fear in my psyche.  It was hidden, until it came out unexpectedly, viscerally, and completely inappropriately.  Shadow mustn't - absolutely MUSTN'T - be pushed back and overridden.  Shadow must be embraced and allowed to see the light - else it comes out in, let's say it together, "unexpected, visceral, and completely inappropriate ways."     You can hurt people's feelings that way, and embarrass yourself.

I need to find a way to make friends with The Uniform.  I'm not sure how I can do that, and it frightens me, but I have to find a way.  Else, my fear/anger will attract bad and negative energy.  That's the way this thing works, I believe.  And it's all in my head.  If you have any ideas for me in how to deal with this, I'd be much obliged.

Peace.