Little House on the Prairie

So, when is an opportunity a real opportunity?  Seems I have the opportunity to rent a real house, with a yard, for a steal of a rent deal.  Problem is, it's in the middle of nowhere.  East Jesus, as we say.  Do I do it?  Chance to have a house again with no adjoining walls, and a yard for birds and a garden.  And barely a prayer of a job.

Or, a job an hour's drive away, that is if I don't want to work at Walmart.  I don't shop at Walmart, much less want to work there.

Much easier to get a job in the city of Dallas, but can I afford to live there?  It's occurred to me that my life was always set between Oak Lawn/Highland Park and Oak Cliff.  I'm not sure I can even afford to live in Oak Cliff anymore!  And it's changed so much - my home, which is now a house that's been prepared to "flip," isn't even a house I'd want to live in anymore.

This was Spring at my house last year:

This was my house that I lost last summer to foreclosure.  All of this greenery and flowers are gone. It was bought by a Mexican broker who evidently didn't value trees and shrubs.  It's good, in a way, because it no longer looks anything at all like My House.  Hurts less to look at it than if it looked like it used to.

If I move back to Dallas, it will most likely be in a crappy apartment.  If I move into East Jesus, I'll have a yard again.  Lots to think about and explore online.  And pray.  Pray for at least a pleasant job that will allow me to live quietly and peacefully.  I no longer expect to have work that I love - just work that is pleasant enough and will keep me able to live independently.

What in the world has happened to us?

Deja Vu All Over Again

So, here I am again.  Humbly going over my past mistakes and regrets, and looking forward to putting them back where they belong - in the past.

At the age of 50 and a half, I'm starting over again. The last time I did this for real was after my divorce in 1991.  I was 31 years old.  I lost my home and husband, lived with family, and looked for work so that I could get back on my feet.  I did it then, and I'll do it again.  This time, the heartache focuses not on a relationship lost, but a sense of lost "normalcy."  I am back living with family and am researching a new career: one utilizing my writing skills.

Things that seemed important to me when I was 31 don't seem as much so now.  It was all about making money and having fun.  What money I made I spent, and I had a great deal of fun.  Now, at 50, I'm thinking less about making money and more about lowering my cost of living.  I used to live for drinking and partying, but now I really prefer to be in bed by 10.  I was a consummate urban girl and loved living in the heart of Dallas; now I'm seriously considering not just staying put in small town Denton, Texas, but perhaps moving further out.

When I was at the (unknown to me at the time) end of my former life, I kept praying for change.  "Please change my life - in a big way!"  Well, careful what you ask for.  'Nuff said.

To be continued...

I Like Dreaming

So, last night I dreamed that all I wanted was to take a nice long bath.  I was in a space that offered luxurious bathing facilities.  However, there were windows and doors open to every which way, and observers by the hundreds.  I was supremely annoyed, and yelled at everyone who crossed my path.  Such luxurious bathing environment was at my fingertips! - yet I was constantly oppressed by: someone stealing money out of my purse; a Saran Wrap-type covering over my bath; a whole cast of hotel characters wishing to make my stay satisfactory; various family members featured in tableaux in view of my bathing chamber.  I understand that I am living a double life - my actual physical life is a shambles, and is best to be ignored.  My dream life, however, takes the brunt of the action, and is so vivid that I feel that it is indeed, my second life.

'The Law of Distraction / May/June MuseLetter'

I share this with you because Robyn made me laugh uproariously at her "Do's and Don'ts" when someone suffers misfortune. Thanks Robyn!

'The Law of Distraction / May/June MuseLetter'

Control Freak

I've not been myself lately.  Ever feel that you're stuck somewhere you never intended, and can't find the exit?  That's been me lately.

So, I do what we do, and look for wisdom in books.  I'm done with the whole "do what you love and the money will follow" trip and no longer feel that my destiny lies within finding the perfect job.  I want a more fulfilling LIFE, and a job in Corporate America isn't going to accomplish that.  I find myself looking for "truth" - whatever that is, and try to separate the wheat from the chaff.

I've been reading this great book called "The Divine Matrix" by Gregg Braden.  He posits that quantum physics is the underlying truth of the universe, and he pretty much has me convinced.  I strongly recommend reading him, but this is a blog - not a book review.

So, I'm reading Braden today and he's talking about "mirrors," which he says are reflections of ourselves manifested in our closest relationships.  He says that the things that drive us mad in those relationships are the exact same things that make us personally unhappy and keep us from growing spiritually (and otherwise).

I take his words to heart and think about my personal relationships.  I'm pretty much cool with everyone, I think at first.  Then, I start digging deeper......

I have been compared all my life to a set of standards that never fit me.  The person of whom I speak believes that he/she knows exactly what I should (and shouldn't) do, and I should do what he/she thinks I should.  Lots of shoulds there, I know, and that's a word that causes lots of trouble.

I thought about this a lot today.  And realization kicked in pretty swiftly.  I do exactly the same thing.  Sometimes I voice it, and sometimes I just manifest the "if you want a job done right,..." thing.  I became really conscious of that behavior in myself today, and caught myself many times trying to take control of things that had no business being controlled by me.

So, I'm consciously working on letting go of control.  I never, ever considered myself a control freak, but I find that I exhibit many of the traits.  Just because I think someone should conduct their business, or their life, or their social life a certain way, doesn't make me right and him/her wrong.  I have no right of judgment.  And letting go of that imagined right of control has made me feel a bit freer - and opened me up to change.

A good exercise for me as a coach is that I'm not allowed, through my training, to tell a client what I think he/she should do.  My job is to let the client filter his/her own ideas through me, and figure out what the best thing is.  The greatest gift in that is that I learn through my client's experiences and ideas.  A good coaching relationship is win/win - not "do what I think you should and everything will turn out alright."

Peace.

A Penny and Some Duct Tape

Recently, a very small but very important bit fell off my brake pedal in my car.  That tiny bit caused my brake lights to stay on even when the car was turned off.  Naturally, this ran the battery down, and I had to call AAA for a jump.

The guy who came to help did indeed jump start my car, and listened to my description of what I was experiencing.  He, possessing a mechanical mind and being very proud of it, messed around and fidgeted with my brake pedal, and fixed - at least temporarily - my problem.  He did it with a penny and a piece of duct tape.  He was happy to do it and I was thrilled to have such an easy fix!

He told me to go to my dealership and buy a certain part; he said someone in the parts department could look at it for me and I could buy and install the part myself.  All good.

I go to the dealership.  I am made to understand that, for someone to open my car door and stick their head in, I will be charged for labor.  I see a sign on the dealership window that states that the labor charge is.....  $99/hour.  I'm pretty sure I know what I want and go ahead and buy the part, even though no one at the dealership will give me the time of day except to tell me they can't look at my problem without charging me, and that the part I eventually buy is not returnable.

 Turns out the part I bought isn't necessary.  So there's $7.82 I'll never see again.

Luckily, I still have my penny and duct tape and, though the duct tape is wearing out, and I have to periodically shimmy underneath the dash to adjust the penny, all is fairly well.  That is, if you don't mind having to bend your not-so-young-and-flexible-as-it-used-to-be body into a contortionist pose each time you park your car.

So, yesterday I went to my sister and brother-in-law's house out in the country.  My BIL is Australian and can pretty much fix anything (it seems to be a nationalist tendency).  He looks at my car and agrees that all I need is an itty bitty part.  He can fix it with a nickel and super glue, if that's what I want.  Hell, yeah, that's what I want.  I would rather have someone who gives a damn fix my car like MacGyver than take it to a corporate entity that only tells me what can't be done, instead of what can.


So, one of the lessons I took from this experience is: There's more than one way to accomplish a goal; and it helps to have creativity, goodwill and an open mind.

And duct tape.

All You Need Is...

It's everywhere and nowhere.  It's the most powerful thing on earth.  Everyone is talking about it.

Love.

The love I'm talking about is spiritual love.  It's supposed to be such a simple concept; yet I don't think I really understand it.  Christianity says, "Love your neighbor."  Buddhist love is about compassion and non-attachment.  Most faiths and traditions celebrate a "God is Love" ethos, at least in spirit if not in practice.

Those of us who practice non-traditional (non-Western) spirituality speak often of "unconditional love."  How am I supposed to love unconditionally?  I'm pretty sure I don't love Halliburton, British Petroleum, Glenn Beck, etc.  There are even a few rare individuals whom I actively dislike (each of whom I worked for at one time).  I pretty much like everybody; some better than others.  And I believe that I have loved unconditionally at some moments in my life.

Perhaps I have trouble understanding the concept of universal unconditional love because I've never experienced being loved unconditionally myself.  It's hard to put something out in the world if you don't truly understand what it feels like.  The closest feeling I can relate to is that of acceptance.  I can feel self-acceptance (most of the time), but that's been a hard row to hoe to get there.

Perhaps for me, acceptance can be my version of unconditional love.  I'm afraid that's the best I can do right now.  I don't feel like it's enough, though, and I want the experience of loving unconditionally in a spiritual way.  I want to open myself up to it, but I'm unsure how.  I don't think anyone can teach us how to do that, and I'm distrustful of (many of) those who say they can.

So, what's a girl to do?  For me, that must mean loosening some of my mistrust and skepticism, while still maintaining a fully functional bullshit detector.  The more I read and study, the better able I am to separate the wisdom from the hokum.  I need friends around me who are also spiritually aware, to share and love.  Friendship is love.  Action can be love.  The natural world is love.  And I want it.

Peace